Life Lessons: Things I’ll Never Do To Myself Again

Tonight I’ve been browsing through my ‘Documents’ folder in the hope of mercilessly casting aside useless files from days gone by; it’s a cleansing ritual I do every 4 months to keep my folder neat and my kilobyte figures low.

Deep in the archives, I found a list I’d made whilst in the recovery period from a particularly tough time in my life. Between summer and Christmas of the previous year, I became increasingly depressed and anxious, with copious work demands and faltering personal relationships crushing my spirit. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a habitual creator of new year’s resolutions and this time it was especially important to ensure I had learned from my mistakes.


Things I’ll Never Do To Myself Again

Lie to myself and deny what I’m feeling
– Think I’m right about everything/everyone
– Disregard my intuition
– Make myself appear smaller or sell myself short
– Overthink – my subconscious will always figure it out
– You can’t intellectualise how you feel so just let feelings happen and rationalise them afterwards 
– Take anybody for granted
– Become emotionally dependent on others
– Offload emotional baggage onto people
– Romanticise a person 
– Try to ‘fix’ anyone
– Think I’m not in control and therefore let others dictate how I feel.


Sometimes we lose ourselves in the process of caring about other people. No matter how rough things get, always take the time to care for yourself.

If you need a starting point, I wrote an ‘everyday self-love’ list here that might help you: A Short Guide to Self-Love.

Advertisements

I Ruined My Hair! & How I’m Fixing It.

I’ve had enough, this is my prayer That I’ll die livin’ just as free as my hair

Lady Gaga

Our hair is a part of our identity. It’s a reflection of our personality, and while the purist in you might wish appearances didn’t matter, you realise the value society places upon it. Our skeptical selves gather information about a person subconsciously, so when somebody maintains their appearance we assess them as having high self-esteem. Since we can’t walk around in philosophical discussion 24/7, we need visual indicators to help us understand each other on a basic level. Whenever we go through personal changes, or process a break-up, or even just get bored, we change our hair to mark the occasion. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.”

The Samson effect

Hence, our hair can be compared to the lion’s mane: a symbol of personal power and societal status. Some people express their individuality through bright hair and under cuts, while others keep it short and straight to show they mean business. It’s fun to play with the outer shell of our identity as our adolescent selves knew all too well. Whenever my sister took me shopping as a child, she had to bribe me with a fast-food lunch or else I’d lose motivation. There were only a few material things that excited me, namely tops and dresses, stationary and hair dye. I can recall standing in Boots/Superdrug with my mouth ajar at how many different colours your hair could be. My deepest wish was to be as blonde as Britney but my eye was also drawn to the mystery of jet-black hair.

My hair inspiration: Britney Spears.

Drastic Measures

It wasn’t until adolescence hijacked my hormones that I actually planned to transform my mousey-brown locks. I remember browsing through a hairstyle magazine with my best friend, age 12, when suddenly I decided red highlights on a black bob was the right look for me; luckily my parents loved me enough to deny me their permission. Still, my headstrong self kept the dream of cool hair alive until my 13th birthday, when I was given the go-ahead for a pixie cut. I’d fallen in love with it as it looked amazing on the hair model. It looked amazing. On the hair model. The hair model suited the hairstyle. Hair. Model.

I was too young to factor in my face shape and skin tone, thus meaning I was clueless to the rules surrounding androgynous haircuts mixing with round faces. Generally speaking, faces slim enough for pixie cuts during adulthood, however I was no older than Juliet and soon to have a lot less hair. The next step, I thought, would be to paint it black: increasing the edgy factor would be my saving grace. My goth phase was in full swing at this point, thus meaning I’d look even cooler on my weekend trips to Camden.

My mum refused. She now tells the story of how she let me browse a boot fair for my jet-black bottle dreams in the knowledge that nobody had any to sell. It didn’t work as a deterrence for long though as I soon had a hairstyle akin to Gerard Way, circa 2005:

Gerard Way in Helena
A fair representation of my hair – and face – at the time.

I used to wear red eye shadow too. Don’t ask me why, I’ve no idea. By the time I was 14 I’d learned my lesson, or so everyone thought. My drastic haircut coincided with a dip in my social status now that I was a confirmed ‘alternative’ and I eventually conceded to the idea that I’d made a mistake. Maybe mousey-brown locks were my destiny and choppy layers were only for those blessed with higher cheekbones. Alternatively, I just wanted what I couldn’t have and missed having long hair as a symbol of femininity. Either way, my thick mane of dull brown hair couldn’t grow back quick enough.

Suicide blonde

I barely did anything to my appearance when I was 15, other than filter my photos into black and white so I had a new default picture for MySpace. As I turned 16 and left high school I decided enough was enough – pass me that bottle of bleach!

“No.” My mum said.

“Oh. Okay” I replied.

Nevertheless, my years of longing for barbie’s mane had proved my devotion to the hair colour gentlemen allegedly prefer. Before the inevitable ‘reinvention’ of myself in time for Sixth form, I had honey blonde streaks painted into my hair. The idea was to prevent hair damage by highlighting my light brown hair into a golden hue, thus tricking your eye into perceiving an all-over blonde effect. The result of this sneaky tactic?

Me at 16. In the bathroom by the mirror, naturally.

Lots of people adored my fresh look. My hairdresser had explained to me the importance of matching my fair skin-tone with darker blonde shades, while the kind spirits on Yahoo! answers emphasised to ‘STAY AWAY FROM ASH BLONDE.’

“Ash blonde ay, what an idea. I love the smell of peroxide in the morning” – My stupid mind. Probably.


Highlights were not what my angsty self had set out to achieve but unfortunate circumstances meant my self-care took a backseat for the duration of my 17th year. Blinded by own vision, I worked up the courage to have my hair dyed bleach-blonde in time for my 18th birthday despite not needing the hair damage…

18 and blonde.

I think blonde suited me, despite its distance from my natural hue. For some reason, I was never content with my hair and always wanted to improve whatever beautiful hairstyle I had. At the time, I was working in a bakery and fawned over the light blonde bob my co-worker had. How could she afford to maintain it so well?!

She gave me the number of a freelance hairdresser who came to my house with hair bleach and gave me a brighter colour for a discounted price. It was a kind act that lead to a kaleidoscope effect in my hair.

– Sometimes you can get addicted to mercilessly dying your hair because you want to look perfect, but perfection comes at a high price! Ask yourself if you really need to re-dye your ‘do and ensure you condition your hair to prevent damage! –

At age 19, I had completed the gap year I haven’t told you about yet (it happened: it was okay) and about to set off for University. Whilst I now had the blonde hair I’d always wanted, I felt the new pastures should be greeted be a ‘new me’ hairstyle-wise. Luckily blonde is a great base for any colour as you’re guaranteed to get a bright result, and soon my hair was pillarbox-red:

Fiery red hair. So shiny and thick in texture.

I used the XXL Live permanent hair dye numerous times if I thought the colour wasn’t bright enough, or if I could get 2 for the price of 1. After a solid year of this follicle debauchery, my 20th birthday arrived and I decided to dye it yet again. The result was a gorgeous, deep red akin to Freida from Abba. When I travelled back home to London during the Easter holidays, everybody was happy…except for my mum.

“Do you want your hair to fall out?” She said. “It won’t!” I probably said. Good point, well made.

In case it wasn’t already obvious, my mum was right. The above picture was taken just before my hair rapidly started falling out. It wasn’t just in the shower either – strands upon strands fell onto my bed, kitchen utensils…even the communal sofas I shared with 11 other flatmates. It had gotten so out of hand, a group of them blue-tacked a stray clump of my ruby locks to the wall to signify their annoyance. (Admittedly they were also just bullies.) Remember what I told you in paragraph 1? The state of your hair reflects the state of your mind, and it had become obvious to others that I lacked self-care.

Despite this, I didn’t acknowledge the warning signs that my thick hair was soon to shed into thin wisps. Somehow it had come to my attention that semi-permanent hairdye actually conditions your hair into better health. Cue another transformation:

Somebody said I look like an anime character. How kind.

I did what I could to salvage my mane until I grew restless. One day, XXL announced a simple way to dye your hair ash blonde and my student loan arrived just in time for me add this new concoction to my list of hair regrets…

A fake smile for a failed attempt at blonde hair.

Nobody has a name for that hair colour because it’s a mess of never allowing my hair to fully grow out. I was beginning to wish I’d never ditched the thick blonde mane I had lusted after and attained in the years prior. There’s a visible difference between the texture and shine of this mane and my prior photos. By summer, my hair had thinned to such an extent it looked greasy everyday, no matter how much I conditioned it:

Thinning hair in a dry, damaged condition.

Eventually I settled with the idea of having dull hair until I could condition it into behaving like the silky mane I once loved. In the meantime, I successfully wore a 10-day wash-out box of purple magic last year, aged 22.

Wash-out colours will not damage your hair.

Nothing as drastic has happened since and I’m a content brunette. This has taken some time and I might’ve experimented with red and brown semi-permanent dyes along the way, but I’m finally here. I still hope my hair will re-grow with the same thickness it once had, although I don’t hold out hope. I just wanted to share with you my tale of hair woe in the hope you will learn from my mistakes.

1) Sometimes you have to leave your hair alone and accept yourself enough to respect your current appearance.

2) It’s easier to go from a light colour to dark, but damaging to reverse this process.

3) Don’t dye your hair too much. It really is that simple, apparently!

a happy winter
Brunette is back, with red highlights sneaking in.

How to Love Yourself: A Quick Guide.

My temporary absence from PCPW can be explained by the looming presence of Mercury Retrograde between the middle of January and February. Communication always goes astray!

Still, you’ll be pleased to know Mercury is now direct again, enabling you the power of articulation and starting anew. The stars are directing us to move forward optimistically into Spring and as we’re all made of stardust, the process starts within you!

The laws of nature require us to take life day by day so here’s 5 simple actions you can do to improve your mood and self-image. Best of all, none of the steps take longer than 5 minutes so you’ll definitely have time to do them!

Here is my abridged Guide to Self-love, AKA a few life-hacks for obtaining happiness and attracting better luck in life.


Smile

 

Fun fact: our actions determine how we perceive ourselves and thus smiling tricks the brain into releasing happy hormones. It assumes there must be a reason for the smile on your face and your brain will look for proof of this fact. Everybody wants to be around people who gratify them and simply smiling more in conversation engenders this result! It makes people feel important and in turn they’ll give the same warmth back to you. Smile whenever you can, even if you’re only briefly meeting eyes with strangers on the street. We’ve all experienced the flash of a friendly smile before and it makes us feel great on an ordinary day. Learning to smile more will impact your self-esteem in a small yet significant way.

It works as a quick-fix for a better mood when you’re alone as well. If the idea makes you feel uncomfortable, I actively encourage you to accept yourself in all your individuality and relax your facial muscles into a grin while you read. You don’t need to judge yourself and you’ll instantly feel more peaceful.

Whatever the reason, smile more.

Say Affirmations

Affirmations are statements some people use to manifest their desires and re-affirm how much they value themselves. It’s like receiving a pep-talk from someone you trust – only that person is your inner voice. Often, affirmations use the power of words to foster self-belief. A basic example:

“I am capable and confident.”

The more personal you make the affirmation, the more you’ll feel the effects of your words. It’s crucial you understand that your perception affects everything.

Practically speaking, write down a few things you want to truly believe about yourself and don’t be afraid to take inspiration from others. Louise Hay is affirmation royalty so maybe take a look at her webpage. You can play editor before you play creator if that helps to stimulate your mind.

Read them out loud, slowly and confidently.

It’s especially useful to have a mirror in front of you so you connect with the words emotionally.

If you’re too shy to start off with that, simply take the time to tell yourself “I can do it, I am strong and blessed” etc. in your head every morning. Our lives are so demanding that we unconsciously allow our troubles to dominate our thinking landscape, thereby generating a whirlpool of stress.To say affirmations is to remind yourself that everything is okay and you are constantly being brilliant.

 

I am surrounded by love. All is well.

Think Positively

 

Thoughts become things

. This is the explanation for the colloquially named Law of Attraction: a popular theory that our minds need to focus on our desires in order to obtain them. When your teacher told you to concentrate on your subject or else you won’t excel in it, you understood their logic and acted accordingly. Positive thinking works on the same principle of realising our thoughts determine our actions, so

constructive thoughts = positive results.

I’m not asking you to create a moodboard (although you can if you want to – they’re fun!) but if you choose to say ‘no’ mid-way through each negative thought that enters your mind and replace it with a more cheery perspective, you’ll feel more motivated overall. Keep it up and worries will stop niggling at you since you’ve trained your brain to think proactively instead.

Your thoughts control how you act so think positively.

Breathe

I can confidently say you do this step all the time, although I’m referring to a mindful practice. Awareness of your breathing enables you to focus on the present moment. If you’re stressed or angry at any point during the day, inhale while counting to 5 and a second later, exhale slowly. It will have a calming effect, can prevent arguments and if you maintain the theme of repetition, you’ll feel more ‘zen’ than all the folks in California.

Plus it can only benefit your bodily health – an integral part of self-care!

Take some time out to just breathe.

Say Thanks

Like any self-respecting blogger post-2010, I often write ‘gratitude lists’. They aren’t addressed to anybody and I often discard the document because reading back your words once is enough. Sometimes you need proof that everything is okay and ingesting life’s blessings in word form is an effective way of coming to a calm realisation.

The idea first became apparent to me via Gala Darling’s blog. A self-love guru, she constructs ‘Things I Love Thursday’ lists to facilitate a sense of gratitude for all the good things around her. Sometimes we feel frustrated with our circumstances and lack the material resources to improve our situation. This is where our minds act as a powerful tool for allowing us to change our perspective on the situation. In our privileged society, this can often be enough.

Get creative and list everything that would make an Instagram star feel #blessed, from the mundane to the extra-ordinary. It puts your awesome life into perspective because the proof is written in front of you!

 

Love yourself first and everything else will fall into place.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Character Signs. Part 3

Tara:Virgo

Tara is often cited as a perfect character due to her exceptional maturity and habit of making consistently good decisions. When Willow becomes a ‘magic junkie’ whose actions lose morality, Tara has enough self-respect to leave their increasingly toxic relationship. A Virgo has a nurturing approach to others with their incessant favours and practical advice, but this is only carried out after they’ve tended to their own needs. Virgo’s are notoriously plagued by self-doubt, causing them to evolve into perfectionists. In Tara’s case, her family capitalised on this emotional intelligence by bullying her into believing her fears were real. While she is open-minded enough to believe them in her formative years, a Virgo will not tolerate abuse for long and we soon see her defend herself. The past is not easily forgotten where a Virgo is concerned, and Tara’s scars are shown in the form of a stutter and unassuming manner, despite her considerable wiccan skill and physical beauty.This unassuming character is common in Virgo, as well as her despair at people who ignore the small details in life, “I go online sometimes, but everyone’s spelling is really bad. It’s depressing.” Notably, she provides comfort to people in need – specifically Buffy and Dawn. When a young Dawn loses her mother, Tara assumes her role by ensuring Dawn eats breakfast and distracts her from the pain by treating her to milkshakes and films. Simultaneously, she compartmentalises the other parts of her life into working order while looking effortlessly serene, like a Virgo.

Anya:Sagittarius

Anya is a Sagittarius because she’s blunt and awkward. If you’re a Sagittarian reader, I’m sorry to remind you of this truth but I thought I’d get the obvious out of the way so I can make like a fire sign and be more positive. Like Anya. She’s gone through hell – literally, and yet she’s a vengeance demon who is perpetually upbeat and childlike. She’s aware of the bigger picture and therefore chooses to avenge broken-hearted women particularly, as an act of far-reaching kindness to those most likely to suffer. Those around the Sagittarian woman know of her innocent motives so become adept at dodging the verbal arrows she carelessly slings at them. Some people (and demons) however lack the same good nature, as demonstrated by her husband Olaf’s affair and the manipulation that led to Xander leaving her at a crucial moment. To the oblivious Sagittarius, these acts of betrayal are unexpected and heart-breaking, although they do learn to forgive and we slowly see Anya rebuild her self-esteem towards the end of Series 7. A lover of the luxuries in life, Sagittarius is motivated by money a lot of the time and Anya loves money above all; not in a cynical, scheming way but because it leads to what she desires most: happiness. Her smile resembles the infamous Sagittarian grin and radiates joy, while her ever-changing hair colour reflects Sagittarian spontaneity. Sagittarius is often called a lone wolf; likewise Anya isn’t the most popular member of the gang but she’s happy in her independent experiences.

Angel:Scorpio

Scorpio is often steeped in mystery and Angel has mastered the art of brooding intensity. His words are few and his facial expressions even fewer, thereby epitomising the Scorpio character. Famed for their passionate personality and unyielding love, Scorpio will act obsessively towards the object of their desire. Before Buffy even knew of her fate, Angel lurked in the shadows of her school grounds and pined after her once she arrived in Sunnydale. Unlike other water signs, Scorpio will act upon their vengeful streak when wronged and utilise their Machiavellian tendencies. Given Angel’s notoriously evil past and penchant for taunting the more vulnerable Spike, his love of power play is duly noted. Moreover, his betrayal of Buffy is not easily forgiven by anybody, including himself, where other souls (pun intended) would choose to allude personal responsibility. Scorpio has a special relationship with absolutes: pain and truth. Physically, his imposing figure, deep-set eyes and black attire are the stereotype of a Scorpio man and so accurately match his persona.


Looking for Part 4?

Or you can start from the beginning: Part 1 and Part 2.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Character star signs. PART 2

Spike: Leo

Before becoming the notorious slayer of Slayers, Spike’s mortal friends knew him as William the bloody; a lousy Romantic poet. His words were profound and his manner was reserved, as he valued looking after his mother more than any hedonistic pursuits. Like a Leo, he never gives up on love, especially if it’s all-consuming and torturous: Druisilla taunts him relentlessly but he follows her across the centuries, while Buffy eventually steals his heart just by being the fiery badass he secretly desires. Spike’s egocentricity and flair for a dramatic story lead him to the unbeatable slayer as he knows she will never love him back. There’s an endearing sense of openness about a Leo that engenders forgiveness for their wrongdoings, and as an audience we’re tempted to root for him.

Leo’s express their individuality through their
 well-groomed hair and Spike’s peroxide ‘do trumps any other Vampire on the show. Underneath the badboy leather jacket lies a big heart.

Xander: Cancer

Xander harris is often taunted for his lack of special ability in the Scooby gang, but it would be fair to say he’s there to boost morale. When times get rough, he is there to provide comic relief in the form of puns and specialist geeky knowledge. He’s the emotional glue of the group and his cute demeanour makes him the apple of Willow, Cordelia and Anya’s eye at various points. His sensitivity means he’s not the most masculine figure among Sunnydale folk and is at first self-conscious but eventually realises kindness and interpersonal skills are worth more than being popular ever will be. When Cordelia teases him about his inefficiency, we’re taken on a journey where Xander is the accidental hero but doesn’t need the recognition others crave. It’s often said that Cancerians are particularly connected to the home and family, so it’s no surprise that his dysfunctional family instill the perpetual anxiety stirring inside of him.

Due to their loving nature, Cancerians excel in relationships. He’s also got the large, round eyes prominent in the moon-ruled Cancerian, matched with the comfort over style motto that lets their personality shine instead of a false projection.

Cordelia:Gemini

Cordelia. On first appearances, Cordelia seems like a leo. If you delve beyond the luscious mane and the fact Charisma Carpenter herself is a leo however, you can see the duality of the Gemini perfectly embodies ‘Queen C’. Cordelia starts life at Sunnydale High as the catty popular girl, but when she learns to stay true to herself she slowly hangs around with the Scooby gang with less shame. Of course, she doesn’t have a choice once her popularity is forsaken but a Gemini looks after number one. Her clumsy backhanded compliments are delivered from the mouthpiece of somebody who lives inside their head and frankly doesn’t care. Cordelia is competitive and duplicitous with people because she’s smart enough to understand how people work, like a Gemini. On first appearances, she is shallow due to her fondness for shopping and designer clothes, but this only proves she wants to enjoy life. 

A gemini knows how to live in the moment and this is why Cordelia’s reaction to hearing of an apocalypse is to appreciate the fact she doesn’t have to do homework. It’s her time to have fun and she’s going to do it.


Go backBuffy the Vampire Slayer Character Signs Part 1: Buffy, Giles and Willow

Go forward: Part 3: Tara, Anya and Angel

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Star Signs by Character

Buffy Summers: Aries.

Buffy typifies an Aries with her ‘Carpe Diem’ motto and habitually impulsive behaviour. A notoriously strong character, she protects the people who love and support her without question and uses her uses her initiative to see results immediately. Her self-confidence means she makes the effort to sustain friendships and relationships simultaneously and her bouts of self-pity are seldom. That’s because she’s over it already and onto the next project.

An Aries works hard to build their identity and become aggressive when they feel threatened. For example, the arrival of Kendra and Faith. Due to the flippancy of the fun-loving Aries, tempers never last long and she’s soon back at her quipping, ass-kicking best.


Giles: Virgo

Rupert ‘Ripper’ Giles is introduced to us as an intellectual pragmatist who respects procedure and rejects hedonism; many people get the same impression when first meeting a Virgo. It’s clear he’s a perfectionist so when the Scooby gang interfere with his meticulous methods, he delivers the trademark Virgo sarcasm to vent his frustration politely. Virgos are responsible: no other sign would painstakingly devote hours of time to researching a demon on Buffy’s behalf, but then Virgo rightly believes their practices are the most efficient. Led by reason, Giles has no qualms about setting things right when Willow defies the natural order with her witchcraft and Buffy fails to end Glory’s power/Ben’s life.

By exploring his backstory, we discover his reckless past and capability to obey passion, but these are choices he seldom makes. Like a Virgo, he prefers the simple life.


Willow: Pisces

Like the Neptune-ruled Pisces, Willow is introduced to us as an idealist: hopelessly in love with her best friend in a stereotypical case of teenage delusion. Her acquiescent tendencies underscore her place in the Scooby gang as Buffy’s most reliable friend and we see her regret her incessant kindness as they grow into adulthood. Pisces have addictive personalities, as shown in her transformation to Dark Willow. When her penchant for escapism intertwines with the power of grief, nobody can match her passion for vengenance; Pisces often adopts cynicism as an affront to an uncaring world.

Ordinarily her gentleness and obliviously mismatched fashion sense cement her place in Piscean dreamer territory. Arguably, she is the most ethereal of all the humans in Sunnydale and she’s led by her emotions, like a Pisces.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer Character Signs, Part 2: Spike, Xander, Cordelia

About me.

Madie H writes, sings and eats with passion. Her concisely named blog,popculturepartywarrior, includes musings on music videos, films, Buffy, feminism, astrology, personal stories, self-love and the 1980s. She was born in 1992. She performs poetry and stand-up comedy around Manchester way, and has a strangely tricky time composing bios for someone who has a selfie-filled folder titled “My Face”. A graduate of English Lit with Creative Writing, she is qualified to proudly use split infinitives and will do so with free abandon. Party on, dudes