How To Care Less About What Other People Think Of You

I was tempted to click-bait the title with the alluring promise of ’How to stop caring about what people think of you’ but you can never conquer the curiosity entirely.

Of course, there are some who claim to never give thought to their reputation, social standing, likability etc… and those people are lying. Ironically, the intent is to manipulate you into seeing them as a badass mother’ because they seek to control how they’re perceived just as much as you do. Clever eh?

I have a few points to keep in mind for when you’re feeling low or unloved.

1. You have no way of ever truly knowing what someone thinks about you. Can you see into somebody’s mind? You cannot, so therefore the only evidence you have is based on how you want to believe someone sees you. You can waste time trying to piece together evidence of attraction, indifference, dislike, etc. and you can still be entirely wrong. You can manipulate people into seeing you in a certain way and they could be pacifying you the entire time. That might sound scary but it should come as more of a relief.

2. Most of what people say is a projection of how they see themselves and not a reflection of you. Unless it’s constructive, criticisms are born from what people either fear or seek within themselves. This is especially true for people high in narcissism as they aren’t introspective. 

3. People don’t have to like you, and you don’t have to care. Much of our upbringing and socialisation revolves around the idea you have to be codependent on external validation. If we’re always focused outside of ourselves we’ll buy more products to make us look good, chase status, and act in line with how others want us to behave. But how you experience other people matters more than how they experience you. Instead of wondering ‘do they like me?’ start asking ‘do I like them?’This is especially true in new situations, where we tend to care even more about perceptions.

4. You have no right to control how people see you. If someone dislikes you and you can’t fix or make sense of it, realise that some people are more comfortable with judging then coming to an understanding. A lot of our decisions are made on a subconscious level and not everyone understands themselves, let alone you. Take comfort in the fact they don’t really know you anyway, only fragments from interactions. And on that note…

5. Some people have to pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t have to feel guilty about how they’ve treated you. The ego is a powerful protector of our feelings and subconscious motivations. In these situations, going non-resistant is your best bet. Sometimes you have to put up boundaries because toxic people just want to exploit you so they feel better about themselves. 

6. Psychologists have found research to suggest people are too lazy to change their first impression of you. That’s why it’s said to matter and it’s also how people get easily manipulated by false charm. Not everyone is like this and you only want to care about the opinion of those who think as an individual.

7. Opinions are impermanent and you can only exist in the present moment. We all change, including our feelings and thoughts. More often than not, people take you as you are. It’s up to you to believe you are enough so it can be mirrored back to you. Any control you think you have over others is an illusion, ultimately. Judge yourself less and enjoy yourself more where you are, with what you have, right now. I promise you’ll get many happy returns.







4 Easy Ways to De-Stress

❄️ Meditate.

It’s easier than you think. I used to wonder whether it made a difference and then I tried listening to guided meditations, where you’re lulled into a relaxed state that helps to distract from the background chatter littering your mental landscape. If you have something of a ‘monkey mind’, the key is to observe your thoughts and let them pass you by. Remember: what you resist, persists. Meditation helps you change your brain wave frequency so you’re operating on a meditative Theta state, whereby you can integrate fully into the present moment – something that is often hard to do!

❄️ Epsom Salt Baths

Soak in the tub for at least 20 minutes in order to detoxify the body, relieve muscle pain and allow for the magnesium to be absorbed into your body so your adrenaline levels can decrease while your serotonin increases at the same time.

❄️ Get Physical.

What’s your go-to sport? Do it! We’ve all heard that running gives you an endorphin rush but it’s not the only option. Even dancing around your room will get your blood pumping and release you from the clutches of overthinking.

❄️ Grounding.

We’re raised to live our life in pre-occupation of what we ‘should’ have, who we ‘could’ be, what ‘might’ happen etc. It leads us into disappearing into our heads. In order to get back down to Earth, force yourself to be boring for 10 minutes. (Forcing yourself to be boring is a great life tip in general). Turn your attention to what you can see, feel, or hear. Read some fiction. Paint your nails (I don’t care what your gender is, it looks cool). Overall, distract yourself and remember that no matter the event, this too shall pass. The faulty desire to control external circumstances is the cause of stress and approaches like these can act as a remedy for your over-worked mind.

5 Highly Recommended Female-led Films

Thanks to the unreliability of movie marketing, our understanding of what ticks our proverbial boxes is often unreliable. How many times have you thought you’d love a film because it has X Y & Z, only to walk out feeling short-changed? Or dismissed a perfectly good comedy the first time around because the pink colour-blocking and female strong cast made you believe it was a cliched rom-com? (I’m almost exclusively thinking of Bridesmaids here).

This is where I come in. A long time believer that women are just people, I’ve compiled a list of female-led films anyone can and probably should watch, since well-rounded characters are infinitely more interesting than reinforcing stereotypes. Plus, the imaginative process inspires our empathy in a way that factual storytelling simply cannot. Please be aware the main criteria is ‘films that are good and happen to have women in them’. If it’s not got credentials, it’s not getting in.

Most of these I saw as a teen’ but still consider timeless for the screen.

Thelma and Louise

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Ridley Scott directed this early ’90s classic. Sociopolitical and visually stunning, with an ending so iconic it still gets referenced in popular culture today. Mix with ingredients like Susan Sarandon, 1/4 of the cast of Resevoir Dogs and a shirtless Brad Pitt, and you’ve got a hearty 130 mins of craft mastery in front of your peepers. Essentially a road trip gone wrong, two women grow tired of their suburban housewife roles so escape in search of freedom, only to be met with the inevitable misogyny they sought relief from. Its tone varies from light-hearted sentimentality to heavy-hitting wisdom, mostly from the wise Louise, so you learn as you laugh.

Erin Brokovich

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Based on the true story of an ordinary woman who managed to build a legal case in protest against contaminated Californian drinking water without any technical expertise, this is a rags to riches story where success stems from one woman’s compassion rather than self-serving greed. History was made thanks to Erin’s courage and resourcefulness. It’s inspirational to watch a person succeed despite the odds in a noble crusade because her goals are philanthropic and really, what’s more badass than defying expectation to fight for what’s right?


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Fun and frollocks. That’s the perfect way to describe this flick. Superstar Cher plays the effervescent Mrs Flax, while a young Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci entertain alongside her wily ways. It’s a defiant nod in the direction of independence juxtaposed with the coming-of-age need to fit in. The dialogue and direction of this film is whimsical and yet entwined with a wholesome aura that says ‘accept yourself for who you are’.

Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

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Off the walls (but firmly on the ceiling), Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion is the zany 90s comedy we don’t get blessed with enough nowadays. If I wrote the copy to advertise it, I’d convey the central message: it doesn’t take itself too seriously. One of my favourite elements is the use of flashbacks because character backstory gives us a chance to vicariously cringe at universal high school experiences. Afterwards we’re left with the maturity of realising our enemies are “a bad person with an ugly heart and we don’t give a flying fuck what you think.” That’s about as deep as the film gets since it’s mostly silly irreverence and flat-out fun.


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The original Mean Girls but with black humour and a young Christian Slater. Veronica is the part-time badass you identify with as she navigates tricky high school dynamics and the allure of sociopathic men with dimples…we’ve all been there. Every line is memorable and you’ll be saying ‘fuck me with a chainsaw’ in the face of crisis for decades afterwards. ‘Sass’ levels are off the charts so if you want more savage insults at your disposal, Heathers has got you covered.

How To Be A Better Writer: Edition One

Nobody’s perfect; I’m sure even the Dalai Lama himself has a few character flaws left to work on before 2k18 rolls around. Improvement is always possible, no matter how skilled you are in a particular field. If you feel your way with words needs a tweak or two, here are some morsels of wisdom I’ve picked up as the years have ticked by and my pen has evolved into a QWERTY keyboard.

Let it flow. Like a menstrual cycle or a riverbank, your words should ooze out as organically as possible. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to pen something for somebody else? Naturally this is because you’re not invested in the results. Even if you care second-hand, if the words aren’t a reflection of you than the pressure is no way near your shoulders. Relax into your writing. Remove your judgement. Ignore the outcome. I guess I’m advocating ‘mindfulness’ here, which is just a buzzword way of saying ‘be in the moment’. A lifelong battle for all adults but one that pays off, particularly in the realm of wordplay.

Kill your darlings. Egocentricity is a habit of humanity. It seems ludicrous to the self-proclaimed writer that any element of their literary alchemy should be omitted from a paragraph because it might be a mis-match in tone, intent (etc.) but sometimes this is the case. Accepting that is the first step on the road to getting over yourself and producing more coherent texts. You can always save a killer line if it’s truly too poetic to dispose of entirely. That’s the beauty of CTRL+C.

Do it. You can’t be good at it if you never do it. So do it, a lot.

Narcotic abuse ‘Worked for Bukowksi. While I think it’s crass to present an image of yourself as a drinker who writes, rather than a writer that drinks, I will acknowledge the inspiration that uninhibited thinking and serotonin-depleted pondering brings. I’ve had inebriated states that enable me to stop procrastinating and continue wording, along with morning-afters that turn me into Socrates for a few hours on account of my philosophical word-vomit. Choose your poison wisely and don’t over-indulge. I’m not going to let my flippancy take the burden of your poor willpower, reader.




Buffy Turns 20 This Year; 8 Reasons Why We Love It.

Another win for our old friend Time.

Irony aside, a Buffy birthday is something to celebrate. Why? I polled a few friends of mine to ask why the show has a special place in their hearts and came up with some pretty unaminous answers… but you can’t have a blogpost that just says ‘BECAUSE IT’S REALLY GOOD‘, so let me expand.

Buffy Summers

We love to watch Buffy because she’s a multi-faceted heroine. Joss Whedon’s empathetic depiction of a female character enabled him to create a strong woman that anybody could admire. Her physical and emotional strength coexist with her interest in beauty and relationships, she can defend herself without being portrayed as a ‘bitch’ and her quips are just as loved as her looks. She’s interesting. She’s enviable. Or as mi amigo Adam put it,

‘Buffy is a kick-ass lady. And is hot.’

Big Bads: Vamps’ and Violence

Every episode delivers some fast-paced fight scenes courtesy of Mr Pointy and the Scooby gang. Vampires are textbook cool creatures: immortal, pretty and nonchalant, however they’re the arrogant enemy in a universe where ordinary humans are heroes. The Big Bads are often disguised as harmless, like ‘the trio’, who Whedon uses to highlight the threat posed by narcissistic entitlement.

Most of the fight scenes take place in the graveyard so we get a double scoop of spook, and you can often see the microphones in shot. So ’90s.

Coming of Age: The High School Setting

It’s the perfect platform for a lot of heart-wrenching character development, as my friend Bridie pointed out, and it enables us to look at the ‘cool kids’ dynamic with a fresh pair of ambivalent eyes. We follow Buffy on the familiar journey from angsty teen to reluctantly responsible adult and we watch her grow as if we’re holding a lens up to our own past.

Life Lessons

Buffy is so beloved due to its’ thematic variety. Some episodes are non-stop comedy, some are quasi-horror shows and others simply break your heart. The wisdom sieved into the making of each story arc (beyond the first Season perhaps) is Whedon’s way of sharing his own story in a way we all find accessible. He pinpointed the more discrete feelings we bury under the surface as though he was our personal psychologists, and that’s a big part of what gives Buffy meaning.

From depression to grief to unrequited love, no avenue of human pain was off limits.

LGBTQ Representation

My friend Bridie articulated it’s importance beautifully when she said ‘the relationship between Willow and Tara was the first instance of a female same-sex relationship I’d ever seen on television. I know a lot of queer women my age credit that as something that helped them feel comfortable in their own sexualities.’ Even now, onscreen lesbian love is often sexualised. Tara and Willow were so beloved because of how tender they were to each other (we’ll glide over the obvious error he made when dealing with a certain character’s treatment).


Spike isn’t really a villain because we don’t love to hate him, – we just love him. His aesthetic is based on punk rock Londoner Billy Idol and his personality reeks of a man trapped in the toxic masculinity of pretending to be tough when all you want is to feel love. We hate the things he does but only sometimes. His backstory shows us the sensitivity his current incarnation denies him and his flawed relations with Buffy are ultimately endearing.

He’s there to remind us that nobody is entirely evil/give many fans a sexual awakening.

Five By Five

Quips and puns line the mouths of each character, whether part of the Scooby gang or not. Whedon has the talent of any hugely successful writer in that all Sunnydale residents speak with alien vernacular, where phrases like ‘totally wigging‘ and ‘five by five‘ apparently make sense. Despite this, every piece of dialogue is paced to perfection so it never feels stilted or unrealistic.

Once More With Feeling

The musical episode is one of the greatest pieces of television aired to date. Importantly, the show doesn’t take itself too seriously and thus throwaway humour and cheesiness is imbued into each installment of the chosen one. The musical episode is masterful because it gives us a dose of something different while proving that experimenting with format can pay off.

The list could go on and on….

It’s camp, dated and hugely sentimental but still it stands the test of time. Buffy is the show that inspired lots of young women and made many alienated young people feel as though they weren’t alone after all.

12 simple cures for temporary sadness

1.Cook yourself a huge portion of your favourite meal so you feel full of love (and more importantly, food).

2.Watch some comedy! Viral videos, comedy shows, pranks, sketches etc. Go back to old favourites if you know they’re guaranteed to make you laugh.

3. Open up Messenger and click the name of a friend you love to talk to. Don’t be afraid of rejection – they want to hear from you! 

4.Look at inspirational quotes on Pinterest, Twitter, Google Images… let the words do the positive thinking for you.

5.Pick an item from your To-Do list and make it a Done list.

6.Help anybody that needs it, from your best friend to a homeless person. Focus on giving out hope and you’ll receive it back.

7.Seek comfort! Go to sleep : wake up happier. Win.

8.Acknowledge how you feel, accept it, then let it go.

9.Listen to upbeat songs to curb any dwelling on feelings early (it doesn’t matter if the music is classified as cheesy). Bonus points for dancing around uninhibitedly.

10.Think of the last 3 compliments you received and let yourself believe them.

11.Dig for gratitude – this includes any good experiences occurring in recent times to you or anyone else, whether big or small. 

12.Do an everyday activity that feels suspiciously adult as a victorious distraction.



Buffy The Vampire Slayer Zodiac (Star/Sun signs)

Buffy Zodiac SignsWant more detail? I’ve written an analysis of why each character matches their allotted Sun sign in a 4 part series!

Part 1: Buffy, Giles & Willow,

Part 2: Spike, Xander & Cordelia,

Part 3: Tara, Anya & Angel,

Part 4: Oz, Dawn & Drusilla.